Review: X-Men XXX (MEN.com)

THIS IS A REVIEW OF PORN, SO IT'S EVEN MORE NOT SAFE FOR WORK THAN MY USUAL STUFF! 

So back in January, I did a review of some superhero bondage porn (here). That was pretty popular, so  I thought this might be of interest, too. MEN.com has been featuring superhero porn videos. This year has had a lot of superhero movies, so they're tapping into that with multiple series of "porn parodies". I use quotes because these are only parodies for legality. There's nothing funny about these videos. They're very impressive in terms of quality.

It's the pairing a lot of X-fans want to see

Before I start, there are a couple of things you should know ...

1. These are porn. The only objective is to see guys fuck. So I have to keep that in mind when evaluating the videos. And when reading these reviews, there will be nudity and sex, although some of my image selection might seem odd. That's partly because of my next point.

2. I'm not a porn guy. It's not because Republicans are declaring it a "public health crisis" or anything like that. I just don't watch non-wrestling, non-superhero stuff. It doesn't seem to interest me very much. From a porn perspective, these are probably pretty good. Most of them have good ratings at Men.com, but I'm really not the best judge on that stuff.

Men is actually the only porn site I've ever joined. I will say that the nice thing about them is that they're cheap and the videos are downloadable in various levels of quality. No streaming crap. No limited selection. For $100, I've already gotten these 14 superhero videos that are mine to own. That's a pretty sweet deal.

So anyway, as of this writing, Men has released 3 Batman vs. Superman, 4 X-Men, 4 Captain America, and 3 Tarzan. All of the series feel complete and I'm doubting there's a Deadpool or Suicide Squad porn parody on the way.

First up, let's talk X-Men, since they're my favorite comic book characters. Go mutants! And fuck the inhumans, I will never, ever like or accept them! (That will only mean anything to comic book fans, but all you need to know is that inhumans are slave-owning eugenists that represent all that is evil about corporate comics right now.) Wow, I'm getting all kinds of political today.

Anyway, the four X-Men stories are movie-inspired, so expect leather costumes, a tall Logan and the same characters that fans shipped - Cyclops/Wolverine (Pt. 1), Iceman/Pyro (Pt. 2) - as well as some you likely didn't. Magneto (Pt. 4) is a lot younger and a lot more buff. Colossus (Pts. 3 + 4) is shorter and blond, but arguably the hottest guy in the series.

The locations, film and casting is all pretty good using the movies as a base. The videos look and sound cinematic. The costumes are minimal, but again, it's like the movies. On the plus side, Scott (Cyclops) wears his visor throughout, Wolverine has claws and a pretty good hairstyle, Magneto has his helmet and cape. And Mystique is blue and scaly. Yes, Mystique in what may be a huge turn off for you in Part 3.

Here's a rundown on the scenes.

#1: Logan/Wolverine tops Scott/Cyclops. This is the iconic combination. In the comics, Brian Michael Bendis even teased a relationship between Teen Scott and Laura aka X-23, the female Wolverine clone, as a bit of click-bait fan service. The tension between these characters is always high in every interpretation, so it's actually pretty awesome to see them together here.

After some blah-blah-blah about Jean Grey, they get into it fast with Logan on top. I'm a "Cyclops was right" and "Wolverine is an over-exposed hypocrite" guy, but this does make sense. The actors do a good job portraying the heroes. Scott's visor and Logan's hair work to keep you grounded in who they are, even without costumes, as does the sterile white lab.

Even great leaders have to cede control sometimes

Jean is a distant memory, never to be mentioned again

#2: Pyro tops Bobby/Iceman. Fire and ice. The movies really set these two up as natural rivals. We see a little special effects and I'm fascinated by the location inside a dilapidated building with a commuter train in the background. Like I said, not a porn guy so stuff like this gets my attention. No real costumes or effects after the opening bit, but it was pretty good.

Iceman tries to cool off Pyro

What's up with the train?

Fire tops ice

#3: Logan/Wolverine tops Mystique/Colossus. I don't recall any real indication who this blond muscle guy is, but Gay Comic Geek calls him Colossus, so he must be. After being rejected by the real Colossus. Wolverine runs into him out on a mission. It's Mystique, so when Logan fucks him, he's really fucking a woman posing as a man. This may or may not affect your interest. I figured Wolverine knew and was just going along to get his way with Piotr, but at the end it turns out he didn't.

Mystique changes into Colossus

Colossus is super-hot, so I'll forget the plot

This Logan must not have super-senses

#4: Magneto + the previous guys. The heroes face the villains. Just like Logan couldn't sniff out Mystique, Magneto can't control adamantium here. With no metal around, they all just fuck. It's a big group scene culminating with Wolverine fucking Magneto and all the guys shooting on the Master of Magnetism.

At the end, it looks like Magneto is actually drawing the cum out of the guys (with a secondary mutation, maybe?), so I'm not sure if he isn't actually in control. But since this was the final part, so I guess good triumphed and he was defeated. And if you're curious whether it's real Colossus or not, well, it's your call. I'm choosing to believe it's the real one. After all, surely Wolverine couldn't fall for the same trick twice.

Magneto goes for plan B

It's an epic "battle" between good and evil

I'm not sure if Magneto won or lost, but it looks hot

Overall, it makes an interesting series. The production quality is high with the feeling of the movies coming through. The guys are all reasonably hot and do a good job. With the few plot hiccups, it feels like it's done by someone who's seen the movies, but isn't really a huge fan. For me, part one is the highlight, because we get to see Scott and Logan really go at it.

I did end up liking it. Yes, the series isn't my ideal with no battles or spandex costumes, but that's not what porn is about, I guess. There are certainly enough cues here that you feel the source material. And it's exciting to see a high-quality attempt at gay superhero porn, especially with the actual characters as opposed to analogs.

What are other bloggers saying? Check out Gay Comic Geek's amazing video reviews. These links are to his blog with the NSFW (not safe for work) versions that include clips of the guys fucking. He has SFW ones on YouTube, too. GCG is a porn guy, so he knows who everyone is and how this works as porn.

Gay Comic Geek: X-Men: A Gay XXX Parody Part 1

Gay Comic Geek: X-Men: A Gay XXX Parody Part 2

Gay Comic Geek: X-Men: A Gay XXX Parody Part 3

Gay Comic Geek: X-Men: A Gay XXX Parody Part 4

This is the start of four straight consecutive days of gay superhero porn. Tomorrow, I review Batman vs. Superman then Captain America before ending with Tarzan on Saturday.

Any thoughts so far? Have you heard of these? Seen them? Comments are always encouraged!

Alex